Friday, July 31, 2009

Long time, no gripe (cell phones)

I meant to post this a little while ago so July would have something in it but I held off. As I age like wine into vinegar I do not feel like ranting as often. There is still the same amount of stupid in the world but if you cannot offer solutions or ideas to help resolve the issues you are ranting about then all of that typing and editing is mere therapy for your mind. It sure is not therapy for my hands; they will hurt more than my mind. However, one thing has repeatedly pissed me off for months now: cell phones.

First, let me rant about cell phone users that call or text while operating a vehicle. Pass the law now. I find very few reasons to have a conversation longer than 30 seconds while you are on the road. If you are on the phone more than a minute then pull over. This goes out to the:

  • dingbat on a cell phone that pulled out of the apartment complex in front of me causing me to throw my brakes and skid, that was one heart attack I did not need that early in the morning
  • idiot trying both text and talk while riding cowboy on a bicycle that was on a road with a 50 mph speed limit
  • douche bag that tailgated my fiancĂ©e for 30 minutes and then when traffic stopped abruptly got angry, pulled alongside her and proceeded to cuss her out while still on the damned cell phone
  • granny on I-70 driving 40 mph while on the cell phone as near collisions stacked up behind her
  • tool in front of me on the off ramp that was not paying attention when the light turned green forcing me to wait another light; my bladder wants revenge
  • dimwit not paying attention to the arrows in the Walmart parking lot that actually yelled at me for going the right direction but getting in her way (while on the cell phone the entire time)
  • bonehead at the merge close to where I live that used his yacht-sized vehicle to merge at the last second, without turn signal, less than an inch from clipping me
  • dilrods behind me, left of me and in front of me not paying attention, boxing me in, almost causing an accident

There are a few more but that is all I remember.

Second beef: cell phone commercials that portray other cell phone owners as gigantic pussies. Like that guy that goes crying in the rain as if his entire family were just fed to lions on the Serengeti. "He can't twitter, facebook or youtube." Oh, poor baby. My life is just over because I cannot tweet that I am on my phone standing in the rain somewhere because I am too stupid to find shelter. Boo hoo. Forty million children will starve today but I am in total anguish because I cannot get a status update from the teenager I am stalking on Twitter. Boo hoo. Then there is the family of losers complaining about how the other loser family members are using their cell phones to do crap they used to do on a computer at the same level of annoyance. OMG, Dad posts too much on Facebook. You poor suffering child. How awful your life must be. You are using a $100 cell phone inside a screened in California room while millions have lost their jobs and do not know if they will be able to feed their children in the future. Just awful; get that spoiled brat some Flinstones chewable Xanax, encase her in bubble wrap and roll her down a hill.

Last gripe (that I feel like typing about) – Bluetooth headset talkers that get upset because they think you are listening in on their conversation. You dumbass we have no choice but to listen to your conversation as you stand there and emote with your arms as you are talking and laughing and yelling and carrying on. I think the next time I am going to cuddle up in fetal position and just start yelling loudly "la la la la, I cannot hear you, la, la la la, la la la, not listening, la la la, trying to tune your annoying ass out, la la la."

I could go on but have probably alienated half of my audience and friends by now, although single digits have never bothered me in the past.

Solutions? I despise legislation but banning cell phone usage in vehicles except for emergency usage would be a start. Laws can be revoked or changed when they live out their usefulness. Commercials? Don't buy the product. Bluetooth blabber mouths? Maybe try to kill them with kindness and politeness and if that does not work then kill them with something else?