Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A few jokes

Just a few jokes for today...

HAVE YOU FORGIVEN YOUR ENEMIES?......

Toward the end of the church service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked.

"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight" she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said, "I outlived the bitches."

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Windows networking fun

This is a partial topic, a work in progress so to speak...

For the server: in registry key HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\Browser\Parameters set the string values for IsDomainMaster = TRUE and MaintainServerList = Yes

For all workstations: in registry key HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\Browser\Parameters set the string values for IsDomainMaster = FALSE and MaintainServerList = No

Related links:

Friday, February 15, 2008

A parable worth reading

This came to my work mail address a while back...

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.? It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

ORA-22992 Oracle hell

Welcome to my little corner of hell today. A third party vendor changed their tables structures recently, adding a CLOB field to some of their tables. Like most hard working technical folk we have had to write a lot of new code to provide functionality the third party vendor does not and will not provide. So some perfectly good ANSI standard SQL suddenly puked out a "ORA-22992: cannot use LOB locators selected from remote tables" error.

I'm not using any LOB's in the queries so why in the blue heck does Oracle want to their LOB locators? I did a search and thankfully found where someone on Oracle's forums just tried to use the WHERE clause to join instead of the JOIN statement and it worked. I tried it on and sure enough, it worked. It goes something like this:

table1
crap1 VARCHAR2(10)
crap2 DATE

table2
poop1 VARCHAR2(10)
poop2 DATE
poop3 CLOB

SELECT crap2,poop2
FROM table1@remote JOIN table2@remote ON crap1 = poop1;

ERROR at line 1:
ORA-22992: cannot use LOB locators selected from remote tables

SELECT crap2,poop2
FROM table1@remote, table2@remote WHERE crap1 = poop1;

data
glorious data

There is nothing we geeks hate more than code that should work but doesn't. Especially when the people we work for are paying five, six, seven or more figures for this software. The problem was originally noticed over two and a half years ago!

M*^!@f^((#&$