Friday, July 15, 2005

Grouchy's "Gripe of the Day"

Thank goodness the building I work in is so old and crummy it does not have any of those optical sensor controlled bathroom appliances. After taking a leak I press a large button in front of me and my wee wee just disappears. Same with the sit-down toilets. As soon as I'm done stinking up the stall a push of a level sends my intestinal gift on a trip. When I wash my hands afterwards, I actually have to use a knob to obtain water from the faucet. It's so simple and it works every time. So why on this green earth are these reliable, standard appliances being replaced by these automatic Bizzaro world backwards rejects from a remote control factory?

I'll assume that the idea of turning a dial or pushing a button might be too much for some people to comprehend, or that somewhere a bean-counter figured out that average money saved on these devices by eliminated mechanical switch failures and decreased lost water expense would look good on a ledger somewhere. I just don't have much luck with the things.

The toilet in our gym has such a hair trigger on it you have to be careful not to arch forward slightly to get toilet paper to wipe your ass else it will assume you left, flush violently and slosh water on your behind.

I was in Walmart the other day and could not get the automatic faucet to engage. I tried backing up. I moved to the other faucet and it didn't work. I tried moving at a direct ninety degree angle to approach it. I did a Jim Carrey dance in front of it. Finally it engaged for a few seconds then shut off again. Left with no other option I rinsed my hands in the remaining sink water; at a Walmart. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

There are some bathrooms that have everything automated from the lights, to the urinals and toilets, to the faucets, hand drier and even the paper towel dispenser. Is this really necessary? Is this the future of taking a dump? Or is this..?

“Good morning, Grouchy.” (lights pop on then adjust to my personal preference: neo cave) “Would you like to urinate or defecate?”

“Umm, I need to take a...”

(stall door pops open)
“Enter stall three, please. Would you like some music to ease your bowels? You seem tense.”

I drop drawers and sit down. Some soft Barry Manilow is played for me. After about thirty seconds it changes to “Do you really want to hurt me” from Culture Club. I do my business.

“That is a soft, eight ounce floater. No dietary adjustment necessary.”
(three squares dispense).
I wipe cautiously with my portioned Charmin.


“Umm, pass...”

I stand up, the stall door opens. As I approach the sink the toilet flushes behind me with a Homer Simpson “woo hoo” (another preference, just like in Windows). I stick my hands under the faucet; a brief spritz of water is followed by a dollop of soap. I wash up then I'm greeted with water to rinse with.

“Do you require lotion?”
(a square of paper towel is dispensed)


“Any other services today?”

“That'll be all, thanks.”

“Thank you for defecating at the Acme AutoJohnny 2000. Have a nice day.”

I imagine the voice was Martha Stewart's as well.

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